


Dave's Story

by tzzzz



Series: Dave's Story [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Backstory, Closeted Character, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Gen, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzzzz/pseuds/tzzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of the Sheppard Family</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave's Story

 

 

Dave's first memory is orange-colored and hazy. It's fall in their Greenwich house, or so he's later been told, and at his mother's insistence, the gardeners have left the leaves in great big piles strewn throughout the yard. John is running around with his arms outstretched like a plane, dive-bombing into the leaf matter until it's stuck in his wild hair and all over his red sweater. Dave remembers struggling against the wool blanket, Angela, the nanny had him wrapped up in. John came running over, grinning, before taking Dave's hand and running along with him. He can still remember the feel of leaves crackling, crushed beneath them, the shrieks of John's laughter, and how fiercely he loved this. Or maybe it's just one memory in a thousand moments of joy in the life of any three year old, noteworthy only because it's kept, aged well against the austerity of later years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even though he's two years younger and probably not as naturally brave, Dave wants to do everything that John does - horseback riding, swimming, football, math, violin, Cotillion, and golf. Well, not golf, because John hates golf. Still, he looks forward to their Tuesday afternoon lessons because of the battle that always unfolds when Angela tries to get John into khaki pants and a sweater, ending up with him grabbing Dave's hand, scratching their golf shoes over well-polished hardwood and up the stairs and the myriad of hiding spots that Angela knows as well as they do. And maybe there is a little bit of the adventurer-John in him, because he loves those moments curled up in a cupboard or beneath a bed, John's clammy hand clamped over his mouth and his heart beating like a million butterflies fluttering in his chest.

They always get in trouble, of course, but John makes it better, making funny faces at him when he's sprawled across Angela's lap, her hand coming down hard on his bare bottom. It's hard to cry with John's eyebrows all twisted up like that. 

Dave gets to swim and he gets forced into golf lessons too, but he's too young for football (and not as successful at begging as John is) so he ends up with tennis. And his parents want them to be able to play duets together, so he learns the flute instead of the violin. He's not smart enough for extra math classes and he has no idea how John could possibly not want to to run an hide when it's finally his turn for Cotillion (Dave had though it would be more like the movies and less with white gloves and  _girls_ ).

It's probably a good thing that they don't end up sharing many activities, because what they do together, they do competitively. John's older, but he's always been a little small for his age, and skinny. In fact, in later years, when he thinks back on it, Dave will wonder how John ever survived basic training, considering that he was one of the mostunathletic children that Dave knew. John excels at sports like horseback riding and skiing where the challenge is 90% psychological. He's good at cross country too (when he doesn't trip and/or get lost on the trail), but strength, not speed has always been John's problem.

There's a room towards the back of their Greenwich home filled with nothing but trophies and ribbons stuck to the rich ceder walls. The ribbons and one lonely biathlon trophy are John's (only Dave's crazy brother would have such a brief and passionate affair with a sport that combines cross-country skiing and shooting). Everything else: tennis, wrestling, crew, and soccer, belongs to Dave. And he remembers fondly the days when he and John divided the room in two, counting medals and betting each other who could fill their walls first. Dave hasn't been in that room in years. In fact, he pities the poor maid in charge of cleaning it - polishing all that silver for nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Dave turns eight, John has already broken five bones - his leg and wrist falling out of a tree, his wrist again running  _into_  a tree on skis, his arm jumping off the garage roof, and his nose when Dave accidentally hit him in the face with a golf club. But each time is such a non-event that Dave barely remembers them. With the exception of the broken leg, John just sits for a second, crying silently to himself, before standing and finding an adult whom he politely asks to take him to the emergency room. So of course, Dave is taken aback his first time when he learns how much it  _hurts_.

He and John are racing down one of the trails surrounding their house, John on his favorite bay, Chester, and Dave on Lightning, the new cream-colored pony he'd received for his eighth birthday. They aren't supposed to be out here unsupervised, but there isn't a lot the stable hands who were supposed to be watching them practice can do when John jumps his horse over the fence and down the trail and Dave and Lightning come running out of the stable before anyone knows he's even mounted. 

Of course, they find out why it's good to have adults around when deer darts across the road, spooking the horses. But a horse is pretty much the only thing John hasn't fallen off of, so he reigns Chester in quickly. Dave isn't so lucky, and before he knows it, he's tumbling off the saddle and landing hard on his back. Lightning is halfway down the road by the time Dave regains his breath.

He must have put his hand down to catch himself, though he doesn't remember doing it, because the second he tries to push himself up, he falls back gripping his right wrist with a startled cry at the pain of it. Dave doesn't remember seeing John dismount, but then again it's hard to see much through the tears flowing down his checks. 

"It's okay, buddy," John says, his arm warm and competent around Dave's back. "It's going to be okay. I know it hurts now, but we'll take you to the emergency room and everything will be fine."

"But it hurts!" Dave wails, forgetting to pretend to be fearless and mature around John the way he normally does.

"I know," John says, sounding like an adult even though he's only two years older. He rubs Dave's back until he feels like he can stand. There's a fence running along one side of the trail, so with John's help, they can get Dave up onto Chester's back, but instead of hoping up on Lightning, John slides on behind him, one hand on the reins, the other leading Lightning beside them. And though it still hurts, leaning back into his brother's calm arms, Dave knows that John's right - he'll be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

From the way things go down later, one might get the idea that their father abused them, but that was never the case. Patrick Sheppard is not a warm man. Those who meet him across the boardroom or have felt the strength of his handshake or have seen the glint of empire in his eyes might have trouble imagining him smiling indulgently at the antics of two precocious young boys or reading them a bedtime story or patting them on the back and telling them they did a good job, but in truth, he does all of those things. 

For the first five years of Dave's life, his father is always there to give him a single kiss on the forehead before tucking him in to sleep, with very few exceptions. When John breaks his wrist and leg, it's Patrick Sheppard who carries his son up and down the two flights of stairs to his room for the month before he can manage crutches, and he is a smiling fixture in the stands at every single one of Dave's various sporting events and music concerts. 

Sometimes their father is angry or distant, embroiled in his work or away on business trips, and he does not approve of weakness and extravagant shows of emotion in his boys. He wants the best for them, even if the only best he can see is a clear cut path to the top, different from the way he built his own empire from the ground up. He doesn't throw a football with them out in the yard or take them camping or play pretend when they demand it. His punishments are harsh and his word is always the last one in their household, but Dave has never once doubted that he loves them more than his money or his business or anything else in this whole wide world. It's as clear in Patrick Sheppard's need to control and the double edged presents that are the gifts of his wealth, as it is in his concern, his praise, and every gaze in the commanding hazel eyes both his boys have inherited. Later, Dave wonders how John could have possibly missed this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like most kids, Dave's favorite time of year is Summer, specifically the three weeks their father takes completely off so they can all head off to some exotic location. But as much as Dave loved the creepy tombs in Egypt, the jungle cruise in Brazil, the beaches of Hawaii, or even the old cobblestone streets and mysterious cathedrals of Europe, his favorite memories are the years when a pending company emergency keeps them closer to home - their house down on the Cape. He remembers running down the beach, digging for clams in the muddy shores, sitting in the middle of an ocean kayak as John and their father argued about who was going to do the steering, or just falling asleep curled up between his mom and dad, rocking on their porch swing looking up at the stars. Maybe it's telling that John never sits with them then, always preferring to lie flat on his back on the sand, looking up with nothing but the vastness of the sky spread out before him, like he's alone floating through space. 

In later years, they take the kayak out all day, and John lies back with his feet dangling over the edges on either side, watching the sky, while Dave paddles them around trying to spot beautiful girls sunbathing on the shore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave's first year at Exeter is the year of living up to John Sheppard. On one hand, he's grateful for his brother to straighten his tie, or pick the "kick me" sign off the back of his sweater. He's positive that the first year hazing he receives is nothing compared to the other students. John is fiercely protective, refusing to hear a single bad word about his little brother. And when the other boys tell ghost stories or Dave feels lonely and homesick, he knows he can always sneak through the halls to John's room where they'll play cards or look through sports magazines until he feels better. 

The other side of this is that John is wildly popular. Teachers expect Dave's grades to be just as good while his fellow students expect him to talk back, just short of crossing the line and getting into trouble. John has quit football by now and is the star of the cross country and track teams, despite never actually winning any races. Rumor has it that he's already got an older, beautiful girlfriend, though Dave has never actually seen her, and he and his roommate, Dan, pretty much run the school's black market on everything from candy to porn to liquor and cigarettes. 

Dave loves his brother, but he doesn't want to live in his shadow. John wears his shirt slightly unbuttoned, his tie loose, and his hair long and floppy (and somehow gets away with it), so Dave buttons his shirt and shines his shoes and oils his hair. John excels in math and physics, so Dave learns history, joins the school debate team and writes for the newspaper. John plays the guitar now, thefolky strains of which can be heard coming from his room, when Dan isn't playing the keyboard, that is. Dave plays flute in the orchestra and takes private lessons on the side so he can play the violin in a string quartet (he's better than John ever was).

Four years later, when John is studying math, doing drills for ROTC and getting ready for a summer internship at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center, Dave graduates valedictorian, class president and captain of the soccer team, and is headed for Harvard in the fall. The strange part is that he has absolutely no idea how he got here. Somehow in trying not to be his brother, he's become something on his own, and it scares him, how little time it took.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he finally meets her, John's girlfriend, Andy, is probably the first love of Dave's life. She has long brown hair and a mischievous smile and looks a hell of a lot like Kelly Kapowski . She's a year older than John and three years older than Dave and even under baggy sweaters, he can tell that her breasts are pert and perfect. 

She met John at a horse show out in California, even though her family owns a house the next town over. She's a bit of a tomboy, and she and John spend the summer racing each other through her family's many pastures or climbing trees or wrestling around in the sand when they take their family vacation. John plays his guitar for her under the willow tree in their front yard and takes her for long drives in the old mustang he got for his birthday. They even take the kayak out, the way John and Dave used to, only this time, they both lie back looking up at the sky and drifting wherever the current takes them. 

And when she's not glued to John's face, she tolerates Dave tagging along with them, ruffling his hair and calling him Davy. She laughs at his jokes and wins him a stuffed bear at the local carnival. John makes a joke about his baby brother needing a girl to win him things, but Dave keeps the pink care bear. And more often then not, they'll let Dave join in on their horse races or hiking or whatever adventure they think the day calls for. Dave has his own friends, of course, and he's reading through John's old schoolbooks (and the copious doodles of fighter jets in the margins) in order to prepare for next year. He's not like John. He can't stay up the night before to read through the entire book and the pull off an easy A.

So Dave is a little ashamed when one night, John doesn't close the door to their adjoined closets all the way and Dave can turn off all the lights in his room and creep through his closet to peer through the crack. Andy has John on his back and is lying on top of him, hair falling over his face like a waterfall when she leans down to kiss him. John's arms grip her back almost spasmodically, exposing a small sliver of flesh and a white lace bra beneath her large puffy-painted tee.

Dave bites his lip, feeling his jeans pull tight over his crotch. When Andy leans up and pulls of her shirt and unhooks her bra he's pretty sure he's going to explode, he's so turned on, but he draws the line at masturbating while watching his brother have sex with his girlfriend. He's definitely not a good enough man to turn around and head out of there. 

Andy's nipples are small, dusky brown, and perfect. John spends a lot more time than Dave could possibly have stood licking and nipping at them while she trembles above him. Her hands are running under his shirt and down to his belt buckle, and Dave cannot believe his brother is this lucky, because she's somehow slipped off her underwear from under her skirt and Dave can just make out the curly brown hair down there.

But then, right when it's about to get good, John flips them over, kissing down her belly. Andy stops him with a hand in his hair. "No, John. I was hoping. Maybe tonight you'd want to put it in me?"

John's head shoots up almost comically, and he turns away from her, so Dave can just make out the look of pure panic in his eyes. "I, um, I don't have any protection."

Andy smiles, reaching into her pocket. "That's okay, I brought a condom." She massages his shoulders, which is way more encouragement than Dave would have needed. "I really like you, John. I want you to be my first."

John gulps, looking absolutely terrified, and Dave's not sure why he does it (or if it's even conscious), but his foot slips against one of the boxes of model airplanes John stores in here, causing it to tumble over and make a sound loud enough for Andy to cover herself, John jumping up and flinging the door open on him.

"What the hell, Dave!" John yells, going flushed red and angry, as Andy runs straight out the door and out of the house, barely pausing to thank the stable hands as she grabs her horse and gallops home. 

Dave expects a fight, probably one that will lead black eyes and their parents coming back from their dinner in the city to find the house partially destroyed. But instead John just rubs the back of his head the way he does when he's nervous and says, "Dave, you asshole, I don't want to see you for the next week." 

"I'm sorry," Dave says and stays out of John's way. He's not sure if John and Andy ever do it, but she never ruffles his hair again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a year dating Andy, John has a series of gorgeous girlfriends. Dave is insanely jealous of course. He'd like to lose his virginity sometime before he dies, though he has no idea how John managed to come upon so many girls unchaperoned while attending an all boy's school. Unfortunately, Dave inherited their father's looks, while John has their mother's. Dave will be handsome someday, in a smart suit and an expensive sports car - once he's grown into his strong chin and well-defined features, instead of looking just plain awkward like he does now. He'll never be boyish, with the floppy-haired almost feminine look John carries off with his sharp jawline and high cheekbones.

And though John inherited all his looks from their mother, from her dark hair to her delicate features and narrow build and Dave is the splitting image of their father (when he was young), oddly enough, their personalities are the reverse. Dave has their mother's lighter touch, the quiet strength and poise she shows the masses and the emotional, empathetic person beneath. That's not to say that John isn't compassionate - he's fiercely protective of those he cares for and will defend them and his principles to the last. But John is also stubborn and secretive, effortlessly charming and emotionally distant. He's a bit of a dreamer, too, and would rather believe in lofty ideals than pragmatic limitations. He's the kind of man who could, if he tried, build an empire on wits, creativity and charisma alone. The missing ingredient is the one thing neither of them inherited from their father - ambition. But ambition can be learned and John is competitive enough that he'd learn it.

But he won't, which is why each summer Dave comes home to a battlefield. First it's about college. John could get into Harvard. He has excellent grades and all the men on their mother's side of the family make him a legacy. But Dan is going to Stanford and John likes college football and he likes California and after he wrote 'Fuck you and your ivy too' on his Harvard admissions essay, there's no stopping him. He gets cut off for the summer (no summer touring Europe like Dave will have), so he and his friend Dan spend the summer waiting tables and surfing up and down the California coast, though later Dave realizes that 'waiting tables' might be a euphemism for something else entirely. That year, Dave gets away with losing his virginity practically under his parents noses.

The next summer it's ROTC. John has always had a certain fascination with airplanes. A lot of little boys do, so nobody worried about it, even when at eighteen, it still stuck. John had been lost on his way back from some girl's dorm room when he stumbled across a career fair and the Air Force table and had signed up right there. The fight is ultimately pointless, of course, even when Patrick tries to bribe him with a beautiful little prop plane and hangar space nearPalo Alto. Dave gets a Beamer and an antique violin out of that (it wouldn't be fair to give one son a plane and the other nothing). He's surprised that his parents haven't gotten it yet - the more you try to stop him, the more passionate John gets about whatever it is he's not supposed to do. His dad's the same way, though Dave certainly isn't going to point it out.

The summer after that, when Dave and his girlfriend, Susan, are exploring the cathedrals of Europe and the beaches of the Mediterranean, John has decided to major in math and not take a single business or economics course. He gets an internship atSLAC and doesn't even come home. At this point, Dave probably should have realized that John would never be the heir to the Sheppard business empire, that possibly he never intended to be. But their father says that it's just a rebellious phase and John will get over it. 

And maybe Dave would have believed it. Maybe he would have noticed how John's been rebelling since fourteen years old when he refused to cut his hair. Since he stopped taking golf lessons and started playing the guitar instead of the violin, watching stupid action movies and drinking beer instead of learning about theater and wine and how to develop a taste for expensive things. But he doesn't believe it, because John's his big brother and he always takes care of what needs to be done From taking the blame for their childhood antics, to sticking up for him in school, to paving the way for Dave's own small rebellions by trampling over their father's rigid plans for their future, John has always protected his younger brother and Dave can't expect otherwise.

So he goes to Harvard, because it is the best school in the country. He takes a few economics classes, because he finds that he likes them, at least as much as he like anything else. His professors get to know him and pretty soon he's a TA and taking a few classes in the business school. Then his junior year he gets mono and misses out out on the window of opportunity to apply for internships, so his dad gives him a fake name (Ronald Wexler ) and sets him up as an intern in the marketing division. Beyond all odds, he's good at it, so in business school he takes marketing and PR internships, looking forward to work in that field. Maybe after he's made a name and connections for himself in the industry, his dad might even lend him the money to start his own firm.

It doesn't turn out that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's spring break, his senior year college, and Dave and a few of his buddies have decided to take a trip to Thailand. His mother is desperately worried about his safety in a third world country, but they're prepared and Dave wants to go somewhere _interesting_  for a change. But his friend Nick had some screw up with his passport and is facing a two day layover waiting for customs in SFO . Their other two friends have decided to go on ahead, but Dave feels bad leaving Nick behind, and he hasn't seen John in a while, so he decides to surprise him.

John's doing his graduate work in aeronautics at Stanford, and is staying in one of the on campus houses. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, with the California sun seeming to permeate everything, even the thick adobe walls of John's building. When Dave walks in, wearing khakis and a polo shirt he feels strangely out-of place. There are two guys and about ten pizza boxes in various stages of decomposition lounging around the living room. One guy is overweight, with a huge mess of brown beard and a t-shirt proclaiming something about dungeon masters on it. The other is tall and skinny but relatively normal looking (if you ignored the board-shorts and the mullet). They're playing a shooting game on the Nintendo, chugging Pepsi out of one of the 2 liter bottles.

"Hello," Dave says, as unsure of himself as though he's been dropped on an alien planet with nothing more than a pocket knife and a rubber duck for company.

The fat guy waves a piece of pizza at him.

"Um, I'm looking for John Sheppard. Is he by any chance around here? Maybe I got the address wrong."

They point up the stairs in unison, before continuing to click away on their controllers. "Make sure you knock!" one of them shouts when Dave's halfway up the creaky narrow staircase. He can still hear them laughing when he makes his way along the hallway (avoiding piles of clothes and possibly computer parts).

Dave would have knocked, except the door at the end of the hallway is flung wide open, and there, beneath a familiar Johnny Cash poster, some guy has Dave's big brother on his back, and is busy giving him what will probably turn out to be a monster of a hickey. Looking back, it's obvious that Dave should have turned around and made his way back down the stairs and out of there, but instead he just stands there, paralyzed by the sight of it. 

He never once considered the possibility that his brother might be gay, not for a second. John likes football. He gets into fistfights. His idea of fashion is wearing black so he doesn't even have a chance of mismatching. He's had more beautiful girlfriends than Dave can count, let alone name. He stands up to people. He's in the _military_ , for Christ's sakes. But Dave's not stupid. He's read the statistics, and numerically he has to know some homosexuals, he just doesn't know who they are. Statistically, there a million of them that pass unnoticed, why couldn't John be one of them?

John is struggling against the man now, and a thick disgusting moment of hope stirs in Dave's chest. He can't believe that for a second he wishes that he's caught his brother in the middle of being  _forced_ , as though that's preferable to John simply being gay. John pushes the man off and himself to his feet in a movement more natural than Dave has seen anywhere off a horse or on skis. 

"Dave?" John's eyes are at once open and guarded. Dave never in a million years would have thought that John could look at him with such horror and suspicion. 

The other guy is standing now too. He's as tall as John but with broader shoulders, not muscular exactly but still lean. His blond hair falls in his eyes like John's and his t-shirt advertises the linear accelerator, where John has worked giving tours and inputting data for the past four years. "This is your brother?" He has the balls to smile (an innocent genuine smile). "I'm Mark. It's nice to finally meet you." He steps forward to shake Dave's hand, but Dave is still paralyzed, shaking back on autopilot.

Mark's 100 megawatt smile fades and he turns to John suddenly nervous looking. "You didn't tell him about me?"

John shakes his head, looking as shocked as Dave is.

"I thought--" Mark starts, but John isn't looking at him, just staring straight at Dave. And though they've been to Church together hundreds of times, Dave is positive he's never actually seen John  _pray_  before.

"Mark," John rasps, "could you give us a second?"

"Sure," Mark huffs, but he doesn't look happy.

"I didn't know," Dave says stupidly, as though isn't obvious. "How long?"

"Since I was fifteen." John ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck - he's nervous and embarrassed. Dave has had a lifetime to learn this man, his motions and their meanings, but somehow he missed something this big. If he could miss this, what else doesn't he know?

Dave stumbles over to John's desk, pulling out his chair and slumping into it. "And you're -- you just like men?" He remembers that time with Andy and the frightened look in John's eyes. 

"I like women too. Sometimes."

And just like that, John's entire history is rewriting itself before him - Andy, Dan, needing to be a coast away from his family and friends and  _Dave_. Every little detail is suddenly taking on a new light, from dance lessons to John's random secrets, to math and linear accelerators and flying, and for the first time in Dave's life, John isn't a hero or a protector or model (either good or bad), he's just as lost in all of this as Dave is, and he's selfish sometimes, and afraid, and even thought Dave knows he should accept it, he just doesn't want to.

They stare at each other for a long time, reexamining, feeling their relationships shift and finally settle. "Why didn't you tell me?" Dave asks. Before he thought his brother was incapable of true selfishness, he might have thought that John did it to protect him, but maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it has nothing to do with Dave. Maybe John didn't tell him because it was just easier than being honest.

"I don't know," John finally responds. "I thought about it. I guess I didn't know how. Or why it was relevant, maybe. I didn't think you'd hate me. You don't, do you?"

Dave shakes his head. He still loves John way too much to hate him, but that doesn't stop him from being disappointed.

"I mean, you don't really want to hear about what I like in bed. That's all it is. I'm not -- I'm not hiding anything from you."

That's when Dave gets angry. John just has no idea. He doesn't care what John does in bed, that's true. And maybe he liked the image he had of his brother before this revelation, but how could John think that it doesn't matter? It's part of his life. What hurts is that he doesn't trust Dave, who's always stood by him, to know who he really is. "Bullshit, John! You've been seeing this guy how long? Since you suddenly started liking particle physics four years ago? You live in a house with him! You're comfortable enough with him that your housemates laugh about walking in on the two of you! He thinks you've told us all about him! Are you in love with him?"

John looks around as though it's a national security secret, before nodding.

"How could you possibly think I wouldn't want to know about it?" Dave sags, defeated. He reaches out and pats John's arm awkwardly. "I'm happy for you."

John smiles, but his eyes are still so serious. "You have to promise not to tell Dad."

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Dave doesn't tell. In fact, Dave's so good a not telling that he practically forgets it himself, too busy enjoying his senior year and later his first year business school. So it takes him completely by surprise when John shows up to their annual Christmas in Aspen with a beautiful young woman on his arm, a diamond on her finger. Their mother is elated, of course. And Dave hasn't seen his father this happy since they were kids. Maybe he thinks that this is a sign of John finally settling down and giving up this idea of the Air Force. 

Dave likes Nancy, though she's nothing at all like the kind of woman he'd imagine John ending up with. He'd always seen John with someone like Andy - a little bit of a loner, but outgoing, smart, a little bit dorky, and able to keep up with John's thirst for adventure. Nancy is smart, that's for sure, but in a poised, Jackie Kennedy sort of way. She's smooth and driven and she balances out all of John's rough edges so that together they seem like the perfect young progressive couple. In fact, she reminds Dave of their mother. 

Dave is half convinced that Dad's right, and John has gotten over his rebellious phase and is now toeing the company line, because if there ever was the wife of the up and coming head of a major utilities company, it would be Nancy. She'd make a lousy army wife, though. He wonders if she knows that. He wonders if she knows a lot of things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave barely makes it to the wedding. Amanda picks him up from his internship in Microsoft's marketing division and they fly out to California a few hours before the ceremony. While she talks about the beautiful floral arrangements and the gardens and what she hopes her wedding will be like (hint, hint), Dave scans the crowd. He's never thought of his family's parties, hell, something as intimate as a wedding, as a business function, but then he sees some people from Comcast's marketing division talking with a commercial director who did a few of the award winning Coke ads, and he smiles and makes his way over.

He does see John until they're waiting in a back room of the chapel. He's pacing, fiddling with his tie and generally looking more awkward and nervous than Dave has ever seen him. "It's okay, John. Jesus, just calm down." He pulls John's hands away from his tie, standing back to examine his big brother in a tux. Suits never really looked right on John, their slimming effect only serving to draw attention to his narrow shoulders and bizarrely long upper-body. The one time he's seen him in a dress uniform, he looked a lot better.

"I'm making a mistake," John whisperers, pacing again. "I can't do this. I can't. What was I thinking? I can't." He runs his fingers through his hair, messing up the illusion of control it must have taken the stylist  _hours_  to manage. 

Dave grabs his brother's shoulders then, forcing him to meet his eyes. John has eased his nerves so many times; Dave owes him this. "You  _can_  do it. You're just getting worked up. It's normal." They try a deep breathing exercises Dave's wrestling coach used to have them do before meets. 

"I can do it," John repeats. "Thanks," he pats Dave on the shoulder before the music starts and they step out. 

Nancy looks gorgeous in a simple but elegant white dress and Dave tries not to meet Amanda's eyes where he knows she's admiring it. 

It's not until much later, when he runs into a decidedly drunk Mark Johnson at the bar, that Dave realizes that John was right. This was a mistake, a big one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave never wanted to be the good son. It's just sort of happens. After graduation, John gets transferred directly into some kind of special all-aircraft cross training program. Dave doesn't need to know anything about the military to know that this is big. It's also then that he realizes that John has screwed them all over - him, Nancy, Dad, Mark, possibly even the USAF.

John's lost to the big blue sky that he loved to stare up at so much as a kid, and everyone that's loved him, all the people that thought they had his promises and his future, have never had him at all. He's not coming back to run the business, and once Dad realizes that, Dave will be conscripted. And John will smile and say, 'well, you went to business school. You like these things,' without ever understanding that being CEO of a company is a million miles away from the work that Dave actually _enjoys_  doing. He'll think he's doing Dad a favor, too, because in his eyes, he was never creative or intelligent or like his father enough to live up to his expectations. He doesn't understand that skill-wise, Dave is by far second best.

And Dave feels sorry for poor Nancy, just getting her degree from Berkley Law. How does he expect her to fit in on a military base, or at an army wives' bake sale? Is she supposed to move around with him to training and different postings? Sacrifice her own career for his dreams of flight? He doesn't think so. And what about that itch that she's never going to be able to scratch, the thing that even Andy couldn't satisfy, despite how perfect they were together? Does she even know? 

John's good at keeping secrets, so Dave highly doubts it. He feels sorry for her. But not sorry enough to tell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things come to a head when Mom dies. She didn't tell any of them that she had cancer until the last lingering weeks. She was too proud, maybe. Or she didn't want to worry them. John and Nancy have filled for a separation and John is deployed somewhere top secret, as Dave is beginning to become used to. But Nancy shows up on her own the second there's word, apologizing for John with more tact than is necessary for family.

She spends long afternoons walking with Nina Sheppard in the garden, or sitting by her bed exchanging stories about John, then and now. Dave thinks that maybe his mother's last wish is to win her son one more chance by finally letting his wife see all the things he's never bothered to tell her. Dave spends a lot of time with Mom, too, reading her the books she used to read to him as a child, or taking her for drives down winding country roads. 

John finally shows up when she has a week left (though they don't know that at the time). He moves stiffly, wearing nothing but long-sleeved shirts and sweaters, and sleeps way too much. Dave tries to ask Nancy about it, but she doesn't know either. They're not sleeping in the same room, and John won't even let her touch him. He never lets anyone help him. Dave hates the thought, but he thinks that John might have just stayed there doing whatever it was he was doing and avoided that whole thing (until their mom was dead) if he hadn't obviously been injured. 

It's similar to their father's strategy of avoidance. He plods in to work every single day, only the short temper and the dark circles under his eyes showing the toll it's taking on him. Everything just sort of hangs there in this awkward bubble of silence, all of them together in this house, moving past each other in a holding pattern.

But Dave remembers his last moment with his mother. She was lying in bed, still beautiful but weak-looking now, her eyes glazed and shining. He'd kneel beside her so she could run her fingers through his hair, telling him how proud she was of him, how much she loved him, her baby boy, how he'd grown up to be so strong and good and how he was going to take care of the family when she was gone. She'd taken her last breath between one of Dave's sobs and the next. 

He's not sure either his father or John will ever forgive him for being the only one there when she passed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John and Dad proceed in their typical strategy of lashing out when hurt or upset, though at least they have to good graces to do it to each other, leaving Dave and Nancy to grieve alone.

Dave's not sure how the fight starts, but he's there when it finally explodes. "You weren't even here for her!" Dad shouts. "You left us to go fight in some war. You don't even have to. You're worth so much more than that, John! It's not what you're meant to do, can't you see?"

"It's not what you have planned for me to do, you mean!" John shouts right back. "Don't you think I know what I'm meant to do? I'm  _helping_  people. Don't you understand?"

"The time for your juvenile rebellion is over, John. Your mother is dead, your wife is ready to leave you, and you're  _hurt_! The Air Force obviously isn't doing you any favors. It's time to come home, boy!"

And Dave can see it, something in John just snaps. He knows the signs. "You can't say what's best for me. You have no authority to ... you don't get to judge me. You barely even know me."

"You're my son, of course I know you. Trust me for once, son. I've been where you are and I pulled myself out of it."

"No you haven't!" John shouts. "Fuck, dad, all the things you don't know. You could fill a library with all the things you don't know about me!"

"Name one."

John flushes red, glaring and Dave knows he's going to do it. "John," he tries to interject.

"Did you know I like sucking cock? I love nothing more than being down on my knees with some guy's hands grabbing my hair while he fucks my mouth?"

Dave wants to throw up. His father looks like he actually might. 

"Did you know that every moment when I'm not bent over a table with a guy's dick in me, I ache for it? I wake up first thing in the morning thinking about it the way you get up to check your stock prices. And did you know I gave even that up for flying and the chance to do the  _right thing_  for my country instead of just trying to make another buck off the back of people who might not even be able to afford it? What makes you think, if I'll give that up for what I do, I'd even consider stopping for you?"

"You don't mean that," Dave says, because beneath it all, John must love their father. Regardless of the things he'd said about fags or the constant fighting, or how he still expects John to come back and submit to his will, John must know that their dad loves him. He's their father, John must love him back. 

"Nobody asked you," John snaps, storming off and out of the house, before Dad even recovers enough to respond.

"He didn't mean it," Dave tries to claim. "He'll come back. He's not going to run the company for you, but he'll come back." Dave's so sure about it that he can feel himself freezing, cracking with disbelief when three hours later, Nancy comes down the stairs dragging her bag and John's. She kisses Dave on the cheek, and goes so far as to hug his father, but this is a mess that not even she can fix.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life goes on. Having given up hope on John, Dad wastes no time setting Dave up as his successor, farming him out as a mid-level employee to various branches of the business and dragging him along to all important business functions. And before long, the company starts to feel like  _his_. He's responsible not just for the family's name and stock interest, but for the employees and the customers as well. It's this huge thing that his father created from nothing, and now it touches the lives of millions of people and it's breathtaking. For the first time in his life, Dave tastes ambition. He  _wants_  something to the exclusion of all else, maybe the way John wants to fly and to dream and to do what he thinks is the right thing.

And once he's got that settled, everything else seems to fall into place. John's now-ex, of all people, sets him up with Madeline, a hedge fund manager who hasn't invested a dime in the Sheppard name since she started trading in college. But she's beautiful and funny and smart and somehow he just knows that she's the one within weeks of meeting her. And before he knows it, they're moving in together, then he's on his knee putting a ring on her finger, and they're sitting on the couch with her head in his lap and his hand on her newly pregnant belly composing a guest list according to the degree of networking they can weasel out of it, having outsourced everything from the wedding gown to the flower arrangements to a planner. If Dave ever stops to wonder how he ended up here, he doesn't have even a moment to contemplate it. He's so happy, he frankly doesn't care.

John shows up to stand by him at the wedding, wearing his dress blues instead of the tux the planner ordered for him, and Dave's too caught up in the terrified euphoria of the day to pay him much attention. He's just glad that between John and Dad, there isn't a fistfight. He thinks he might have Nancy to thank for that, actually, even though she now has another man's ring on her finger.

John doesn't come to his father's retirement party, or to see him pass the reins of the company over to Dave. Dave might take the time to wonder if he's jealous, except Madeline has just delivered their second child (the first of which John hasn't even seen yet) and he has a company to run. He can't be bother with John's strange web of anger and passive aggression. For all he knows, John's just busy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's not to say that Dave ever stopped caring, because even though they're in the middle of a hostile takeover down in Texas, the second he gets the call, he's on the next god damned concord jet to London and then on his way to a military hospital in Germany. 

John is asleep when he comes slamming in, still wearing the suit he'd put on to go to work that morning. He looks so small, curled up among a mess of wires and tubing, his skin burnt red and peeling, and part of his out of control mop of dark hair shaved to allow for a bandage. He's too skinny. Even through blankets and scrubs, Dave's sure he can see his ribs. It's hard to imagine that he ever thought of this man as his protector.

John's whispers in his sleep. "Holland," he says over and over again, like a plea.

"What happened?" Dave asks one of the nurses as she bustles by.

"They found him wandering around alone in the desert. Dehydration, heat stroke, a little malnourished, plus the minor head wound and a few cracked ribs. He'll be fine in a few weeks."

Dave has a hard time believing her from the looks of it, but then John's eyes flutter open. "Dave?"

"Thank god. John, what the hell happened?"

John grunts, "Rescue mission didn't go as planned."

"You were wandering alone in the desert?"

John's eyes slide open and closed. He's barely lucid. "Wasn't alone. Holland."

"They said they found you alone."

John gives him a pained look. He hasn't seen his brother like this since their mom died. Then again, he hasn't seen much of John since then. "He didn't make it."

"I'm sorry," Dave offers hollowly. He can barely sit through a war movie, let alone imagine being in the thick of it.

John shifts a little, gasping and clasping a hand to his ribs. "I fucked up, Dave. I really fucked up this time."

"Hey," Dave reaches forward and grabs John's hand. It's cool in his, despite the grey-green of a fading bruise spreading across the back of his wrist. "I'm sure you did everything you could."

John half coughs, half laughs. "That's the problem. They ordered me back. I went in anyway."

Dave finds himself suddenly angry. Why would John do that? If it was too dangerous, if the commanders knew he was doomed to fail, why would John risk himself? What about all the other people who love him and depend on him? Sometimes you have to cut your losses, in business and in life. Why couldn't John understand that? Except John is fiercely protective of the people he loves. Of all the people Dave knows and has working for him, maybe even his mom and dad, John is the only person Dave has ever felt would absolutely be willing to die for him. Maybe there was someone else he'd been willing to die for. "This Holland guy -- were you involved with him?"

John's eyes shift from drug-hazed and glassy to hard in a second. "Fuck you, Dave. And get the hell out of here." They've fought more times than Dave can count and maybe they've grown apart, but he's never heard John's voice like that - hurt and broken and  _hateful_.

He turns and walks out, remembering that when John pulls away, you just have to let him go. The harder you try to hold on, the more he pushes. And even thought blood is supposed to be thicker than water, he's never going to be able to understand his brother. Maybe if he knew the right things to say -- but he's just at a loss.

Dave's cell phone buzzes. The merger is heading south fast and they need him back in New York. He's tired and emotionally drained and he knows that he should stay here and make things better with John, but who knows how long that will take, if he can do it at all. So he checks one more time with the nurses to see that everything is okay and walks out the door to the hospital. Along with his own fare, he books an open-ended ticket back to New York and slips his business card and house key into an envelope along with it, hoping that this, at least, is a language that John can understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John doesn't come. And Dave is busy, but not too busy to make a call into Peterson to find out whatever happened to his brother. He's been transferred to Antarctica of all places, though it clearly suits him. It's certainly a good place to hide from the world.

Three months later, he gets a battered postcard with a photo of penguins on it. He sends back a Christmas card with a picture of his two girls on it.  _Come visit. They should meet their uncle._

He never gets a reply. 

 

 

 

The End


End file.
